"Oh this is beautiful, what is it? Mahogany?"
"Sir, that’s my son."
Kids these days have it so easy. In my day, we had to fuck actual flashlights.
Q: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?
A: Someone alive, preferably. Dead people make horrible dinner guests and can’t bring macaroni salad.
Hey, Mom and Dad, did you know that with our patented system, your child can begin reading as early as eight months provided that it is only a Dean Koontz novel? That’s right, our tested system of flashcards and games allows your baby to being the process of understanding the written and suspenseful language of author Dean Koontz naturally, but we can’t stress to you enough how much it has to be Dean Koontz. For years, early childhood specialists believed that a child could not begin to learn to read (again, only Dead Koontz, your child’s life depends on it) until the age of three, but now the entire world of only, and we mean only and are so fucking dead serious about it, Dean Koontz’s entire collection of horror and science fiction novels and stories are open to your child. Imagine you, the proud parent of a two year old gleefully reading Time Thieves at the playground while other parents look on in a fit of jealous rage. But don’t just take our word for it, listen to real reviews from real parents just like you!
"Our baby loves to read! With the help of Your Baby Can Read!™ Dean Koontz Edition™, our little Gracie was reading the entire Moonlight Bay series before she was off the bottle!"—Mary Ellen Ditmars, Spokane
"We were skeptical about the system, but Braden just can’t put down One Door Away From Heaven."—Chip Miller, New Brunswick
"I tried to give my son a Stephen King novel just to see, and they took him. They took my fucking son."—Ed Boich, East Lansing
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